Musings on Filipino American History Month
It's the corniest Filipino honey you know coming at your inbox, buckle up for a long post baby!
Look, I honestly didn’t think I’d be gracing your inbox again so soon either.
Context
However, I celebrated my grandma Aurora’s 85th birthday on Tuesday, October 1st, and my friend Mylynn reminded me that it was Filipinx American History Month. So I wanted to share my musings on this month and what it means to me. First, some context (because if you know me, this bookish millennial believes context is important):
The Filipino American National Historical Society established Filipino American History Month in the year 1988. In California (and in Hawaii), where a large number of Filipino Americans reside, Filipino American History Month is widely celebrated.
A pivotal year was 2006, which marked the centennial celebration of Filipino migration to the United States. In California, Filipino American History Month was first recognized statewide in 2006, when the California Department of Education placed it on its celebrations calendar.
On September 9, 2009, the California State Assembly voted to “designate the month of October 2009, and every October thereafter, as Filipino American History Month.” The bill was introduced by former Senator Leland Yee with Senators Carol Liu, Pat Wiggins (now deceased) and Lois Wolk as co-authors.
There are now about four million Filipino Americans in the United States, approximately 1.5% of the country’s population.
I grew up thinking I was Pacific Islander, which is wild because I only found out this year (from Mylynn too; she’s incredibly smart and you should follow her bookstagram @hyperfixatedreader) that the Philippines are not included in that category. You could say.. my world was rocked (the drama lol). I spent 32 years grouping myself into the API (Asian & Pacific Islander) moniker, genuinely identifying with both parts of it. You can read more about that here (I know what you’re thinking - babe, you’re directing us to Wikipedia? But it was the most aesthetically accessible list I could find as far as not overwhelming me/readers with so much information that you simply wouldn’t even try to read it.)
Ethnicity was once “neutral” to me
However, regardless of not actually being a Pacific Islander, I always identified with both my Filipino and Chinese cultures and honestly thought of it as a neutral thing about me. I grew up in a pretty diverse neighborhood and attended a private Catholic school with kids from so many different ethnic backgrounds that I genuinely just thought this was “normal.” When it came to race or ethnicity, I didn’t feel othered at my school, at home, or with my friends because (1) I was a kid and didn’t yet understand that my singular lived experience was not universal (2) Filipino and Chinese cultures were never questioned or pointed out as something that was “weird” or “uncommon,” at least to me, because I was surrounded by Filipinos and nonwhite, mixed-race folks.
I think this taught me to seek out and find commonalities with my friends who were from other backgrounds, including Mexican, Guamanian, Hawaiian, Indian, Black, biracial or mixed race. I recognized their backgrounds, but I mostly thought about how similar we all were due to having immigrant parents, close-knit families, blended and interracial families, and receiving similar messaging that “family is everything.”
High school was a wakeup call
I absolutely had throwaway moments of micro-aggressions that I didn’t have the vocabulary for when I was a child, that I now look back on and think, ‘Damn, poor baby Brittany.’ However, those were pushed back to my subconscious for new adult Brittany to sift through later. It really wasn’t until I attended public high school in a predominantly white, affluent neighborhood, -Burlingame High School-, that I so clearly began to feel “othered.” To give you some context of the student body population, this was the demographic profile of Burlingame in 2010 (I graduated in 2009; you knew my age because of my username, let’s not act shocked here!)
Though “Asian alone” notes 20% of this demographic, let’s also remember this data would be a bit different if we only only looked at the high schoolers of BHS. Yes, there were Asian kids at my school, but not many. Friends groups at school formed, with primarily nonwhite friend groups being much more diverse; meanwhile, the white kids, especially the more popular or wealthier kids, would gravitate towards each other. Yes, they attended the Burlingame middle school together too and already formed bonds there, but this also speaks to the way that history impacted those neighborhoods forming and segregated these kids from each other with redlining. I bring that up to recognize that these are the smaller-scale ways that systemic issues impact us in every day life. I know these kids weren’t thinking, ‘I’m only going to be friends with other white kids,’ so I don’t place that blame on them, but they also weren’t questioning it. This is something I think about a lot with the hindsight I have as a 33-year-old - what am I not questioning right now?
Feeling ashamed of my ethnicity
I am sharing this context because I wasn’t really forced to examine my ethnicity and what it meant in white spaces until high school. It was just something about me until it became so incredibly salient in every single interaction. Once something becomes apparent to you, it’s hard to un-notice. I hate to sound corny (again… you know whose Substack you’re reading, right?), but it was like Neo taking the red pill in The Matrix and having an awakening. Being surrounded by white people and not by my friends of varying skin tones from elementary and middle school, I began to feel self-conscious about my skin color and facial features with regards to its representation of my ethnicity; I’ve always been one of the darkest people in my family too, but again… I never noticed until adolescence.
I began to hear jokes from kids about how Filipinos are seen as the “dirty” Asians. I heard jokes about how Filipinos have ugly, flat noses. I heard that Filipino accents were the “ugliest” accents and lost complete interest in learning my familys’ native tongues, Tagalog and Kapampangan. I began hearing sexist expectations about how Filipino women were raised to serve and made the “best wives.” I heard jarring jokes about hyper-sexualizing Filipino women. All of this was confusing for me, and instead of seeking out answers or solace from family (who mostly told me to ‘pray about it’ as advice, and I held a cognitive dissonance that my problems felt minuscule compared to the ones they endured immigrating here), I sought to be less Filipino around my white friends and at school, whatever that meant.
I tried to assimilate as much as I could, by buying the same clothes as my white friends, listening to their favorite artists, and seeking out white romantic partners. All that emotional labor to fit in and get people to forget I was Filipino to get, ‘You’re the prettiest Filipina I know,’ in my yearbook during senior year. What’s fascinating to me is that I rarely tried to mask myself around my childhood friends, who were a much more diverse group. Note: I have not maintained any friendships from high school, but remain friends with the people I met in elementary and middle school.
Filipino Representation in 2005? Was she in the room with us?
As a millennial teenager, I began to seek out characters in books and movies and other media that I felt connected to or represented my personality in some way. I never once thought, ‘Hey, none of these actors look like me,’ but you bet I felt connected to any bookish, goofy, Virgo-coded, unimpressed, musical-theater-loving character that I met, like Topanga from Boy Meets World and Elizabeth Bennet from Pride and Prejudice. It wasn’t until the larger zeitgeist began to discuss this, and until I took an Asian American History course in college that I started to wonder, ‘What about characters that embody those characteristics, but look like me? Shouldn’t I be able to see myself on screen?’
I didn’t know Rob Schneider was Filipino because all of his roles had ever clarified that for me, I didn’t connect to Bruno Mars but appreciated his music, and I didn’t know Darren Criss was Filipino because his character on Glee didn’t weave that in, and he rarely talked about it. I didn’t know many Filipinos in media, but meanwhile, everyone joked that Gabriella Montez from High School Musical looked like me. Sure, Vanessa Hudgens is Filipino, but she rarely talked about her culture, and her character was left “ethnically ambiguous,” so what message does that send to a 16-year-old Brittany? We do not look alike at all, I did not connect to her character of getting into Stanford early (LOL please), but she’s the closest thing I got to representation as a kid, someone who didn’t speak on her ethnicity proudly (not that it was her job or responsibility, but I clocked it), only confirming my pursuit of trying to fit in and erase my ethnicity.
^^^ This comes up when you Google “Vanessa Hudgens Gabriella Montez”
College was a godsend (but still taxing!)
When I got to college though, something flipped. I began taking courses about non-sanitized history. I started venturing out and diversifying and decolonizing my reading. I started to feel empowered and excited about my Filipino culture. I completed a project that asked me to interview my grandma about her immigration to the United States, and learned so much from one conversation with her. I was filled with this ignited sense of pride and curiosity about my ethnicity. I began cooking Filipino food for my friends on campus. I sought out ways to connect with and contribute to API student organizations. With hindsight, I was in an environment that allowed me to be brave, to be curious, to unpack and unlearn so much.
I was surrounded by friends who invited me to be my messiest self and yet, assured me they would support and love me through it. I hadn’t experienced that level of reckless abandon yet, unconditional love, and genuine curiosity… and I am so grateful for it.
I don’t want to paint this as only a magical, perfect experience though. I had a LOT of feelings about feeling othered by the Chinese, Vietnamese, and Korean students in the API student organization, because I was called, whitewashed (the joke was on me for trying to assimilate at BHS so much), and not a "real” Filipino. “Oh, you don’t speak Tagalog? Oh, you haven’t been to the Philippines? You haven’t dated any Filipinos?”
I was called a coconut, -brown on the outside and white on the inside-, and I had to examine the sadness, jealousy, and grief I felt in observing their already-deep ties to their cultures, while I was re-getting to know mine. They had grown up with primarily homogenous friends groups, which meant Chinese, Vietnamese, and Korean friends, while I grew up with a diverse friends group, across ethnicities. I now found myself yearning for growing up with only Filipino and Chinese friends around me, so I could mirror and connect to the experiences these classmates had. How sad, because I had wonderful friends! Yet, I again wanted to assimilate to a version of myself that I thought would be more accepted.
I was once again feeling on the outside, and this time with primarily Asian classmates. When was I going to catch a break? Seemingly never. I did find Filipino friends I could connect to, that were from San Jose or the city, who shared some similarities with me. However, I think what this taught me was that diversity of lived experience was okay, and that I didn’t need to connect on that stuff in order to be friends. We could connect on the *right now* to build and maintain a connection. Ironically, what I already felt and knew as a child was a lesson coming full-circle for me as a college student.
My late grandpas & the AANHPI Book Tour
Fast forward to adulthood. The journey continues, let me tell you.
I didn’t learn a lot about my grandpas’ lives until they were dying and I hold a lot of regrets over that. Our conversations always revolved around me, and I hate that. I wish I had been more curious. I only learned about them as I visited them on their deathbeds, asked so many questions about their childhoods, hobbies, and more. Now, I can’t think about being Filipino without thinking about their journeys to ensure I got to live the privileged life I have now. I am forever grateful to them both for finding the courage to leave everything they knew behind in search of a better life for their kids and future grandkids. My grandpa Ben loved his life in the Philippines, but only came here so his kids would have better opportunities. He believed in the American dream, and while I know it to be a scam, I deeply respect and admire this grand gesture of hope and care he had for his family.
On another note, I never heard of an Asian American, Pacific Islander, Native Hawaiian bookstagram tour before. In 2023, I was able to share musings on my personal journey, and this year, I shared more about my late grandpa Ben’s life. If you had told 2005 Brittany that she would be openly sharing on a public platform her musings about her ethnicity, she would’ve called you corny and laughed in your face. It always felt like “too much” to discuss those things openly, but damn, am I grateful that I have the grace and space to do so now.
Wrap it up, Brittany…
I recognize this was a stream of consciousness about my feelings on being Filipino American, and I thank you for bearing with me. I think I needed this though. I needed a sort-of linear narrative to revisit this journey. Filipino American History Month is still so new, with it only being introduced in the 80’s and 90’s, but I am so inspired and hopeful to see so many places local to me celebrating it and honoring the Filipino population in the SF Bay Area especially. I feel so incredibly privileged to know that whenever I am speaking on these topics, and learning more about my culture, that I am somehow being tied back to my grandpas, and honoring their memories and legacies. I hope they are looking down on me proudly (and a bit embarrassed, I’m cringey and long-winded!).
I wholly recognize that not all shame or internalized racism goes away magically, and it’s something I must work on every day. However, I am really proud of the steps I’ve taken to get where I am today, and I am excited to see what I learn and put into practice by next FAHM too.
Resources
Here are some resources on Filipino American History Month from libraries and organizations local to me that I found inspiring and helpful:
Thanks for reading another one of my bookish millennial musings. I appreciate the space you held for me as you read this long-form post <3
Sending you hugs, love, & hope,
Brittany